Friday, July 25, 2014

FSOG Trailer Reaction and Some Stuff about China

I'm baaaaaaaack!

Not, of course, that any of you were actually missing me, I'm sure. But for the three of you who might've actually been curious as to where I've been for the past month after only 5 posts, I've actually been halfway around the world. No, seriously, like I was actually in Taiwan and China for two weeks. Yes, I climbed the Great Wall, and yes, I really am just that awesome. For anyone who actually might be interested, I'll try to post a few of the 400+ pictures I took (I would right now, but I'm currently at work glancing over my shoulder making sure I'm not earning myself any disapproving looks sooo...).

Anywho, now that I've finally come back from my hiatus, let's discuss that which none of us have been eagerly anticipating: the Fifty Shades of Garbage Grey trailer! Well, when I say "none of us" I really mean that I assume that all of the two people who read this blog are normal people with normally-functioning brains who are also not fans of the books; I, on the other hand, am a glutton for punishment with a rather twisted mindset, so I've been awaiting this preview for quite a while. And was I disappointed?

Um, yeah.

But what was I really expecting? I honestly couldn't really tell you, beyond the fact that I was expecting to at least be giggling madly at the melodramatic music and the fact that everyone involved would be clearly taking this thing way too seriously. And yeah, I guess it did kinda deliver in those departments. Maybe I shouldn't have expected comedic gold from trailer, though; after all, it is merely a glimpse of things to come. A very lackluster glimpse, yes, but really, if I seriously thought I'd be getting much of anything out of the trailer for the movie of Twilight fanfic, then maybe I really do expect too much out of life in general.

The trailer didn't make me laugh so much as it made me raise an eyebrow, though. Was it dull? Sure it was, but no one ever said boring things couldn't be confusing, either. Even now after watching it three times and letting it percolate overnight I still find myself befuddled. The trailer gives off this really weird vibe, as if it can't decide if the film it's advertising is a generically soapy Nicholas Sparks-esque tale of two tragically star-crossed lovers, or a dark, creepy, psychological horror story. I don't think I've ever seen a video under 3 minutes long with such a high frequency of mood whiplash before. It'd almost be impressive if the trailer didn't make the film look the the most underwhelming and unimpressive thing since The Phantom Menace. Either one of two things must be going on here: 1) the editors just didn't care and decided to phone this one in since they knew this movie is going to make a shit ton of money no matter what; 2) the editors are trolls who are hyper-aware of just how awful the source material is and decided to have as much fun as they could  with the footage they were given.

If the second case is true--which I sadly suspect it's not--then I do applaud their efforts. However, considering their valiant attempts to twist this movie into horror flick fall flat, I can't help but feel let down, despite the fact that I know exactly what this story is. I mean, how much more entertaining and exciting would it have been for the music to pause dramatically as Grey opens the door, not to a playroom, but to (pause for dramatic effect)... A SECRET MURDER CHAMBER?!?!

You see, when Grey does his boring, obviously-rehearsed voiceover about his "singular tastes," I can't help but picture something a bit more... dark. Like A Serbian Film dark. Ok yeah, so maybe it wouldn't really be a GOOD thing to take it quite to that level of nauseating disturbing-ness, but wouldn't it just be way more unique and unexpected for the brooding, creepy, controlling, "bad boy" love interest with mommy issues to turn out to be a legitimate psychopath? Like the kind who only feels truly alive when he's in his dungeon filming the brutal torture of the hookers he's kidnapped before killing them and using their skin to make all the nice "leather" implements that furnish his "Red Room of Pain"... but you know, that's just my opinion. I just think that that would make for a much more convincing "singular" interest to warn a potential lover about than the oh-so tired "bondage is BAD" cliche. Pssh, come on, Christian, don't you know that outdated beliefs about the dangers of kinky sex is sooo last decade. Seriously, get with the times.

Speaking of mood whiplash, can we talk about how in the trailer poor Christian just looks like he needs a hug? Yeah, you heard me call him "poor Christian." I should NOT be saying that. I shouldn't want to hug him, I should want to slap him across the face (and not in the fun kind of way he's totally into). Maybe it's just because the trailer didn't really reveal much of anything, but it seems to me he's less of the controlling, manipulative asshole from the book and more of a cute, woobie-ish loner (albeit one with a penchant for dry,emotionally-void monologues). So is he a troubled cutie with a few skeletons in his closet or is he a psychotic Patrick Bateman type? Honestly I'd really prefer either of those to his book counterpart.

Final thoughts? I'm actually quite on the fence about this movie, and this trailer really didn't do anything to sway my opinion either way. I know I'll hate the film no matter what, but I still want to see it out of the hope that it'll fall into the "so bad it's good" category. That, and the fact that there still exists that small glimmer of hope that by taking the horrendous writing out of the equation, some of the "so bad it's bad" awfulness will be toned down. I'm just afraid that it might turn out to be too boring to be worth it. If there's a good chance I'll be laughing out loud and making fun of it most of the time, and perhaps am able to enjoy whatever legitimately arousing bits might be found in this movie, then I will most gleefully be waiting outside the theater at 11:59 pm Feb. 13th to see it.

Also, did I really manage to get through an entire post about Fifty Shades of Grey without swearing once? Fuckin' yeah!

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